This article was written by Peg Tillman, Network Coordinator for Panic and Anxiety Connection, an online email and chat based support group for people with anxiety and panic disorders. For more information about online support groups, please contact PegsPac@aol.com.

WHY CAN’T YOU UNDERSTAND ME
Panic and Anxiety Connection Online Support
By Peg Tillman
I think that without exception I have heard nearly everyone in our panic and anxiety support group say "no one who has not had this can understand". Though this is true, they cannot understand what it feels like, the fears, the anxiety of anticipating panic, the chronic worry about our health or about our very lives, this statement is true for many of life's afflictions. Certainly we cannot understand the depth of the pain and grief of losing a child have we not lost one. We cannot understand the dynamics of being told we have cancer if we have not yet faced that. Someone who has not had a child cannot understand the pain of childbirth. The list goes on an on. It is not a situation that is owned by people with panic and anxiety.

But, it’s not necessary to "understand" in order to "be understanding" and "supportive". Certainly when we look at some of these other situations we can see this. It is not necessary for us to have been through cancer in order to be loving, compassionate and supportive of a friend or loved one who is. Is it necessary for us to have gone through a divorce in order to stand beside a friend that is? I think most if not all of us will answer NO, its not.

But for some reason WE with panic and anxiety expect more of people. Perhaps its because its hard to explain what we feel, perhaps because when we try to explain it our words cannot truly convey the depth of the darkness we feel; they somehow fail us. Perhaps its because it even seems to US like something we should be able to just ignore and it will go away. Perhaps it’s because of the idea it’s considered a mental illness and shames us.

But here it is...we have a mental illness, an illness in our heads, whatever the cause, like one of our members put it...its certainly not in our toe. We have a RIGHT to expect support and understanding from our friends and loved ones, just as we would give them the same, and probably do, for their afflictions.

Part of the problem though is that along with our disorders, we also seem to have difficulty communicating our needs. Maybe part of this comes from our attempts to explain WHAT we are feeling instead of concentrating on WHAT we need. We often try to justify the need rather than simply asking for support. We come across as being ashamed of our weakness, almost as if we do not deserve support. We forget to take into context the limitations of our friends and loved ones. Sometimes we expect them just to KNOW what we need. Sometimes we expect too much and we ask for too little.

I am not blaming US because we do not get support, do not get me wrong. I am trying to explain that we are not always GOOD at asking for it.

I cannot tell you how many times I have been suffering with anxiety, worry and even panic and yet when someone asked me how I was, I responded with an "I'm fine". I was ashamed to say "I am feeling a little panicked today," or "My anxieties are pretty high today". When I did finally get to the point where I could express what I was feeling, I left people without an explanation of how they could help, be it "Could you just sit here with me?" or "I really just need some alone time," or "Could you rub my neck and shoulders and help me get rid of some of this tension?" or "Could you help me with my breathing?” or "Would you just hold me a while?"

Even though a friend/loved one may have an attitude that we should just "buck up and deal with it", does not mean they are incapable of giving support if they know what we need, if we know what we want from them and are willing to accept what they are ABLE to give.

Here are some misconceptions that I have fought myself as well as heard others express:

1. That our friends/loved ones have to understand what we are feeling in order to be supportive.

2. We women have a great deal of difficulty understanding that our male friends/loved ones do not react to things as we do. They often want something concrete to do for us, such as the back rub, or the holding. Instead we do not communicate what we need and they are left feeling helpless and confused.

3. We tend to accuse people of not understanding because they do not become experts on our disorders, the way we tend to do. And if they do learn about it, we often bristle at their suggestions for how we can help ourselves and even resent them, because, after all...they do not understand how we FEEL.

4. We want support from our parents, we expect it, and yet we do not see that they may fear that we BLAME them for our problems. We also have difficulty understanding that they may BLAME themselves. And its a given that sometimes there is blame involved, but it serves no purpose other than to recognize it. Knowing who or what to blame does not change the disorder. Often with our parents, if we cannot work through this blame situation with communication, we need to settle simply for what they are capable of giving, which is most likely to be advice we do not need, lol, and love we do need.

5. We often seek to protect our children, not realizing that they are the most accepting of all our friends/loved ones. In doing this, we do them many disservices, we teach them that mental illness is something to be ashamed of, we teach them its okay to be dishonest, we leave them without the knowledge they may need to deal with their own anxieties, we cut them out of a part of our lives, we allow them to think that because we cannot do something its because we do not care rather than that we have a disorder (which would you rather have them think anyway), we make them feel they cannot be trusted with our disorder...and we underestimate what they often already have sensed.

7. We tend to push people away with our negativeness. At times being around us can be like living with the devil. Our loved ones feel like they must walk on egg shells in order not to either hurt us, irritate us, face our anger, or make our anxiety and panic worse. And face it, sometimes we allow them to think that.

8. We do not always do the things we should do to help ourselves get better. We often tell people that our disease is no different from diabetes…and that is true, but imagine how you would feel if your loved one had diabetes, but continued to eat things they should not and refused to take their medicine. I know how I would feel…like they did not care enough about themselves, me or our relationship to try to live a healthy life.

9. We expect of others what we do not expect of ourselves. Others can be supportive, understanding and helpful...but in the long run, we will NOT recover until WE BECOME OUR BEST SUPPORT PERSON.

There are many more as well. We underestimate the ability of our co-workers and bosses to understand and be supportive. We assume we know the feelings of others or place feelings on them that are not there. We take away their right to choose whether or not to be supportive. The list goes on and on.

What is it we do want them to know then? What do we expect of our friends/loved ones? What do we NOT want of them? I can make a list for myself and maybe some of you can identify with it and even add to it.

1. I want to be loved, accepted and respected for who I am and what I can do.

2. I want to be treated like a whole person, because I AM A WHOLE PERSON.

3. I want real, sincere encouragement for the efforts I make.

4. I want people to be proud they know me.

5. I do NOT want others to NOT do things because I am not yet ready to do them.

6. Sometimes I want someone to just listen and not try to solve my problems or offer advice.

7. I do not want to be "protected" from life, that does not help me, but I also do not want to feel pressured or guilted into trying things I am not ready for.

8. Sometimes I need to hold someone's hand in order to take a baby step. When I need that...I will ask.

9. I need support for the method I choose to reach recovery.

Peg Tillman