The Phone Monster
Panic and Anxiety Connection Online
by: Peg Tillman 4-15-02


Reasons for fear of using the phone are varied. One is typically derived from a fear of authority figures or those we view as having some power or control over us. Another is fear of bad news...one often learned in childhood when a phone call was so important that people did not call just to chat. Fear of confrontation is another reason that we feel intimidated by the phone ringing as well as lack of self-confidence,our ability to say no, or in making a mistake and agreeing to buy the Brooklyn Bridge. Many of us also have performance fears; will we stutter, will we say the wrong thing, will we sound nervous or stupid. We risk rejection, we risk judgement.

Knowing the reason does nothing to solve the problem. The reality is that we live in a world where telecommunication is a tool for business, for relationships and for dispensing information. The phone is real, its there and we have to deal with it.

So there sits the monster on your desk waiting for its signal to terrorize you. The first thing I will say emphatically is that you must not allow yourself to avoid it, anymore than you allow yourself to avoid any other fear situation. Avoidance only leads to more avoidance, more fear, and more anxiety and panic. The bigger we allow a problem to become before we face it head on, the more threat and fear we create.

There are two parts to using the phone...answering the phone and making phone calls.

Answering The Monster

As I said, avoidance is NOT a solution; however, making it easier on yourself is NOT the same as avoidance. Two things that make answering the phone easier are easily available to us.

Caller ID. Being able to see who is calling can allow you both the choice of whether or not to answer and to prepare yourselves for who is calling. Most phones now come with Caller ID and if you have an older phone, you can get a device to attach to it that will allow you to see Caller ID numbers. One thing though...you are going to have to talk to someone at the phone company to set it up!

Caller ID is not infallible. Some people block their numbers from appearing on Caller ID. Some areas still are not able to read numbers from other areas. Bill collectors and telemarketers typically block their names from being seen by the callee.

The other tool to make calls easier is an answering machine. With an answering machine you can either screen your calls or return calls when you please.

One thing to remember when answering the phone, you ARE in control. You can hang up or say a quick goodbye. No one can FORCE you to continue a call you feel uncomfortable with.

Can You Use Baby Steps in Answering the Phone - Yes you can. Here is a suggested way to baby step yourself through the fear of answering your phone, remember not to rush each step, take your time and do it over and over again until your feel comfortable (or bored).

1. Pick up the phone and hold it in your hand.

2. Hold the phone up to your ear.

3. Say hello into the phone.

4. Visualize yourself having a conversation on the phone. Think about what you would say and do in different circumstances.

5. Arrange for a support person to call you. Make sure they understand that you will hang up if you become uncomfortable. Limit the time and conversation in the beginning to no more than a minute. Hi, how are you, nice talking to you, goodbye. Over time, extend the conversation.

6. Always remember that you have the power to end the conversation if need be...but also remember to allow the feelings of anxiety and panic to happen, they will not hurt you.

7. Make a list of things you can say to end a conversation or to address certain situations.

8. Begin answering the phone with one or two calls a day, working up to being able to answer whenever it rings.



Using the Monster

Usually when we fear using the phone it involves specific things. We may feel perfectly comfortable calling and talking to Aunt Mary, but the idea of phoning the plumber about fixing the sewer is overwhelming. If you do actually fear picking up the phone and using it, the same practice can be used as for answering the phone. If, however, your fear of using the phone is in dealing with a problem, a different dynamic is ususally involved, so your approach is going to be different.

1. On a piece of paper, write down the calls you need to make, why you are calling and some things you might want to say or ask.

2. Visualize the call and practice what you want to say.

3. Role play the call with a support person.

4. Dial the number and listen for the answer and then hang up. This will let you know if you will be dealing with a person or a machine and what the person answering the call sounds like.

5. Make the call. Take notes as you are talking (it helps). Do not be afraid to say "I need to check a couple of things and call you back." It’s a polite way of stopping the call and recollecting yourself.

6. Anticipatory anxiety is usually much worse than the actual event. The longer you put off making an important call...the more AA you are going to go through and the more "what ifs" you are going to build up in your mind. Yes, the sewer may be able to wait until tomorrow, but making the call tomorrow is not going to be any easier than it is RIGHT NOW.

Like most fears we face and overcome, success is empowering and can be built on. Setbacks happen, but when you have accomplished something once, even setbacks become easier to address. There are going to be bad days...days when you just say "not today". But a bad day is no more than a bad day, it does not doom tomorrow.